I always think now that i will never feek the best feeling in the world..my boys being born..i am constantly feeling the pain of getting the news that my sister died...i cant get over it its been 5 months and i remeber and feel the same feeling i got when i got the news...like my breathe was taken away my heart my sun..i dont know why..she was my best  friend but i would think that this feeling would come if one of my sons died not my sister...seems nothing is happy anymore nothing is worth anything to me anymore..just want to move on...and i now thats selfish but i can see now that its affecting my oldest son