Last night after I wrote my initial entry, I sat here and stared at the screen wondering when this was supposed to start helping me. I chatted with a couple of other members who were very nice and welcoming and then I just felt exhausted. I decided to drag my rump to bed hoping that I would finally sleep through an entire night as dog tired as I was. And then my mom called my cell phone. She asked if I wanted a present. Confused, I asked her what she was talking about. She said she was sending a present to my phone. With my family, sense of humor is a contact sport, so I assumed she was sending me a meme of some sort and asked her if it was a dirty picture. She said no. She said she was sending me the mp3 of Craig's voice mail greeting. I lost it. I completely freaking lost it. In my brain I was overjoyed. I never thought I'd get to hear his voice again. And I'm certain, someday, I will actually be able to listen to him. For now, it's enough to know I have that.

Today, today is better than yesterday. But then, yesterday wasn't all that great to start with. For now, it's the little things, I'm told.

I feel like I'm an emotional burden on my husband. He's in this strange place where he's trying to keep the house running afloat while working his daily job almost all alone. I have spurts where I start something and have at the time what I think is the energy to complete the chosen task. Then I'll get involved in whatever that task is and just fizzle out. My mind starts running and I start thinking about my brother. Good memories. Bad memories. It's a toss up. These last few days I can't stop running those last few minutes with him in my mind. It's horrifying. Watch and repeat. What else is there to say? I'm broken. I miss my beloved brother.

As an aside, I'm not sure how many people read the blogs or, honestly, there is very little care in me of how many people read the blogs. But, if you happen to be reading mine, I intend to use my page as my daily gripe/diary/affirmation/plea for sanity. I'm sorry if I cause anyone any more sadness than they already feel. I'm hoping this will be therapuetic for me on some level. It's much more sane than other thoughts I've got dancing through my head.