Today is our wedding anniversary and I'm so alone. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and die. I feel so desolate. The sun is shining outside but my world is grey and cold. I've written an anniversary card but I have no one to give it to, I feel like ripping it to pieces; like the broken pieces of my life.
It was so hard trying to find a card, reading through the verses in the shop I started crying. I hate crying in public, it makes me feel so out of control. That's what this whole experience of losing him has been like. I feel like there's no order to the world, no sense or reason.
So many cards I disregarded, they said things about having many more happy years together and looking forward to a happy future. Yeah, right! Then it occurred to me that I won't be receiving a card from him. Our first wedding anniversary, and I'm the only one buying a card which will never be read. It's not fair. Other people have happy lives and long happy marriages, I got 4 months. I feel cheated, but I was damn well going to buy that card.
This time last year I was so happy, so proud to be his wife, to have married such a wonderful man. I thanked my lucky stars I had found him; how much things can change in a year. I thought we had the rest of our lives together, that we would grow old and be so happy. I so wanted to see what he would look like as an old man, now I'll never know. I love him so much, my heart is breaking without him, how could this happen?
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