Today while I was eating lunch I had the television on, just as I always do.

I can't even remember what show I was watching now..

I had my head down, looking at my lunch- not in a sad mopey way but looking at what I was picking up with my fork. All of a sudden I heard Becky's voice. For real, not in my mind. I looked up and there she was. As beautiful as ever and alive. 

Months ago her and her boyfriend went on the show Judge Judy over a dispute with breeding their dog. It's airing tomorrow so the network was playing a preview. The timing was just horrible..

I had completely forgotten. I never thought that I'd see her blink again or smile or talk or tuck her long dark hair behind her ear. My heart stopped for what felt like an eternity and tears just spilled from my eyes like it all hit me again that she's gone.

And, then, there he was. That monster, standing next to her. I wanted to reach through the screen and hit him and strangle him and scream everything thought and feeling I've had towards him since that phone call. But I couldn't.

This isn't fair. I was having a okay day- better then I have lately- and then this. This awful reminder that she isn't with us anymore and HE was the reason. Right there in front of me and I could do nothing. This feeling, this pain, this helplessness. It washes over me when I least expect it to but today it was harsher. I never ever expected to see her or hear her. Maybe in my dreams but not at work. This is so unbearable, I don't know how anyone survives this awful pain.