If there is anything good that I can take away from tragedy, it's that I need to try harder to maintain the relationships I have with the people I love.

That being said, I'm having a hard time being around my mother. I'm not angry with her but I feel uncomfortable around her right now. I know she is going through really intense pain and having a really hard time with my sister's death. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could make it all go away. I know I don't see or talk to my mom nearly as often as I should and a lot of the reason for me not seeing her is that she's always making excuses. She knows that I will not come down to her house because my her husband is there (we have a strained relationship and he has done things in the past that I can not and will not forgive or inadvertently expose my children to) and she's always making excuses as to why she can't come to my house.

Before, her excuses had to do with Becky or Sandy- she was doing their laundry or helping them with something, or going somewhere with them. Or she'd say she didn't have gas money. Now, she can't come up because she's taking care of Becky's estate or cleaning her apartment or visiting her grave or working on a photo album. I'm not saying that she shouldn't mourn Becky, she absolutely should and I'm not judging the way she is mourning. If there is anything I've learned from everyone on this site, it's that no two people grieve the same way- everyone's grief is their own. But, I feel like my mom is forgetting about the children that are still here, children who love her so deeply. And her grandchildren. I feel like she's letting Becky's death consume her.  

All the above being said, being around my mom is uncomfortable and hard right now. It doesn't matter what we're talking about, she always comes back to Becky and how she died and the things her killer did to her. These are the things my nightmares are made of and I can't hear them over and over again. I've told my mom this on several occasions and she either forgets or doesn't care. I find myself 'tuning out' of the conversation. I don't know how to make it any more clear that hearing that stuff hurts me. I feel like my mom is a glutton for punishment because she just can't let go and try to remember the good. I have children that I need to make sure I'm present (emotionally) to raise, I can't just check out and I feel like every time I'm with my mom or talking to her on the phone that's all I want to do - check out. How do I handle this? Is there a way to let my mom know how I feel without hurting her?

Has anyone else ever felt uncomfortable around a family member after the loss of a loved one?