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Comment by Mel Royer on August 12, 2016 at 12:25pm

I agree, Morgan.  Nothing I ever did was bad enough to deserve this kind of pain. I don't know what's going on with me now but every day is ratcheting up and worse than the previous.  I too am just biding my time, looking for new ways to distract myself from remembering Nancy is gone and it never works. There is simply no longer any joy in living. I count the days to each brief respite, since I can't drive for another year, the prospect of my men's church lunch (one hour) and a twice a week facetime contact with my brother. For 3 or 4 hours  a week, I pretend things are a little more normal than usual. And then, it's back to hell. I feel like an inmate in solitary without the one hour outside. It's 24/7 and it's never going to end. We all have this in common. We are the only ones who really know what it does to your life to lose your life partner and yet we keep stumbling through. I, still, pray each night that it is my last and that God will take me home to my Nancy. I  continue to wait for that to happen.  God bless all of us in this nightmare without end. May we one day find some peace in our existence.

Comment by Blue Swan on August 12, 2016 at 12:06pm

Morgan,
At my 3 years and one month into this grief, I feel exactly the same. This persistent missing my husband is killing me everyday. I doubt I'd experience real joy again. For that, I need to be whole, and this is an impossibility because I am irreversibility shattered . A pale shadow of the person I used to be.

Comment by morgan on August 12, 2016 at 11:04am

Joanne,  I am so sorry that you had such a crappy realization of missing your husband and you are right.......nothing will ever feel right again.  Those days of joy have been taken away.  At three and half years into this grief I still have that same feeling every day.  All I am doing is biding my time and hating every minute that I am forced to endure being alive.  Wish i could say something more positive but I kept "wishing" that somehow the absence of his essence would somehow get more bearable but even though I function better nothing and no one can make me "Feel" better.  No, this unfortunately is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.  Even though my husband died I think he got the better end of the deal because this missing him is killing me slowly and I don't think I ever did anything to deserve being this sad.

morgan