I've been working through the grieving process, more in the last 3 months than I have been able since Jeremy passed, and I'm extremely tired of crying. From the beginning, because of the fact that I was homeless, I would not allow myself to cry. When I did, I would force myself to dry it up. There was just no way I was going to allow people to prey upon me any more than they already were so, I did not cry very much for very long. 

People didn't know what to do for me when I was crying, and it made them uncomfortable to come around me or stay around me when I was crying. In order to keep people from saying anything to me about the tears, I began to separate myself from the people who live on the streets, by sitting on the catwalk above the traffic so that I could cry. The vehicles going by underneath me drowned out the sounds of my sobs, nobody had to see or hear me, and I could stay there as long as I wanted. 

Grieving alone, sucks. I don't understand how anyone can do it, willingly. My brain has wanted me to move on from the 6th month, but my heart has wanted something different. Unfortunately, because of the amount of time I was homeless, when I begin to cry, I chastise myself. That's what I started doing those 11 months I lived on the streets, and it's what I continue to do. They say 30 days makes habit. In order to break the habit, it takes twice as long. What do I mean? I'll do my best to explain:

If someone wants to stop smoking cigarettes and have been doing it for 15 years, it will take them 30 years to quit. So, breaking the habit of chastising myself is going to take 22 months. Oh boy! I wish I could just stop. I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had already gotten a degree.