Three years in a dark tunnel

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my husband passing away. It feels like the last 3 years I've been stuck in a long dark tunnel unable to move forward or backward. They say "you only die once." But in my mind my husband has died 365 days a year for 3 years. It was to the point I couldn't sleep. The doctor kept upping the dosage of zoloft but there was no relief. 

This year, 2 days before christmas, I had enough. How much stress can a person take?  I lost my husband, I lost my job at the end of September,  I was having problems with my oldest son, the bills were piling up. I decided that was it. I had 27 gabipentin pills (300 mgs) and took them all. If I would have had more pain killers I would have took them too. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I ended up in the emergency room and spent Christmas at Regions Behaviorl Health Program.  They put me on prozac. It was like seeing the light of day for the first time in 3 years!  

I no longer feel suicidal or that I can't go on. 

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Comment by Diane Grell on January 6, 2012 at 5:48pm

Anna

Thank you! I too am now glad that I didn't succeed!  However, at the moment, all I thought was I can't even die right!

Your right though, as many times as I told my doctor, zoloft was not working and he kept upping the dose? I had sunk so far into  depression for me the only way out was to die.

Also at the hospital they diagnosed me with ptsd and borderline personality. My husbands family were just plain ugly to me during his hospital stay and the funeral.

Comment by anna l. on January 6, 2012 at 5:32pm

Diane I am very very happy that you are safe, and you finally got the help you needed.  Why does it take such drastic actions to get a doctor to notice a person is in trouble.  I really hope you continue to reach out, and feel stronger each day.

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