This morning I was up at 7am! It's rare that I am up that early, unless I've been up all night. I was watching The Waltons. I usually do in the morning before I leave my bedroom for the day. You see I have had this fantasy about having this family for my own all my life.  If I could have afforded 7 children I would of had them. Now that I know how life can betray a person, i'm not so sure. That's why it's a good thing to not know what the future holds. I always dreamed that if you were a good person, and did the right thing, bad things wont happen. What an innocent bystander I was. I think out of everything that has happened in my life my innocence of death, tremendous loss, and excruciating pain, was the hardest hit of all. You know things weren't easy before Lil Del's death. 6 years before we left our home in the city. I was born and raised in the city. I lived there until I was 32 years old. Because of a promise my husband made to his mom when she was dying, we moved out to the middle of nowhere (so I thought then). Anyway that's a whole other story. Getting back to The Waltons. Todays episode was titled "The First Casualty". A young soldier was killed during training exercises. It didn't hit me till they buried him. Then I saw the flag on his coffin. The Flag of The United States of America! I see it all the time. I love the flag. I respect everything it stands for, but when I see it on a coffin it takes on a new meaning for me. My son Ben was a Sgt. in the Army National Guard. He served active duty in Iraq on the front. When he signed on at 17 I thought I would lose my mind for sure. It had only been 3 years since the death of his brother. It was a tough time, and in my heart I knew why he joined. I could be wrong, but I knew him so well there could only be one reason to me. As I watched the episode of the show I could not take my eyes off the Flag draped over the casket. I flashed back to the day I buried my Ben. Whew! I just stared at the tv. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. It all came flooding back. All of the service men and women in uniform at Bens funeral. The Black Hawk helicopter that landed in the tiny town made quite a ruckus! All to pay tribute to my son, and he didn't even die at war. He was killed in a car accident just before beginning his second tour overseas. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. Then when the General shook my hand and the Honor Guard handed me the flag that had been draped over Bens casket I felt like I was watching it from above. It was so surreal, like some sort of crazy dream, but it wasn't. It was real because I felt that flag in my hands. I felt the soft touch of the soldiers white gloves on my hands. There were tears everywhere, but not from me. I looked into the eyes of the soldier touching my hands, and I can't even describe what I saw. I just stood there shaking, but feeling like this is my chance to honor one of the things my son held so dear. His service to his country. I stood there like a starched shirt until all came down the line and shook my hand and hugs were everywhere.  I remembered all of this from an episode of The Waltons. Who knew! some days there are so many reminders that it almost feels like he's right here. I'm so glad that I can look at these memories, and feel a happy swell in my heart, at least today! I like the happy days! I wish a Happy Day to everyone whose heart hurts.