This was mostly just a random little ramble....

I didn't get much sleep last night... As usual.

Part of it was thanks to Suki though.

I was texting Ryan (the amazing guy =3) until 4 or 430 in the morning, the whole while just thinking in general. Which, in my position, is not good. I try to avoid getting time to think at all, and if i do, i try to be doing something- anything- to distract me from whatever I'm thinking of, which is 99.8% of the time Robert.  So, while waiting for Ryan to text back, I would be thinking and drop a couple tears. It was as heart-wrenching as always. But then I started to think about school- and how that all was going to work. If i was about ready to pass out and still crying just because I had time to think, what would school be like? I never pay attention in the classes that aren't hands-on, which gives me 15312% more time to think. This is not going to turn out good.

School... Is really something I enjoy. I'm a senior in High School, and i am thankful to be getting out of the drama that ensues inside the walls of my school, but school is also an escape. It gives me somewhere to go to get away from my family. Not saying i don't love my family- i do- but sometimes i enjoy a break, and school gives that to me. It's a bittersweet feeling, being a senior.

Another issue with my sleep is the nightmares. I have nightmares, nightly, many times a night. I can't stay asleep longer than 20 minutes. My mom has offered to give me medicine to help me sleep but i really dont want to take it- I'm scared I'll get trapped inside one of my nightmares. The nightmares range- They can go from simply flashes of Robert in the hostpital, to as scary as being Sebastian, to as gory as being Robert himself, to as heart-shattering as watching Robert die under the truck. It's different almost every time. I can't stand this. It's horrible to deal with it nightly- I just want some goddamned sleep. 

Which brings me to another point- If you say "god bless you", "may god watch over you", "he is with god", I will simply say thank you, but i would rather if you didn't say that at all. I dont want to be rude to anyone, thats the last thing i want, but i do not believe in a Christian god, or any other kind of 'god'- i believe in a higher power of sorts, but not one kind of 'god' in specific. I believe that, if there were a god, he would not let me go through this. 

Since this has happened, i think constantly of this quote i heard a long time ago that i didn't understand until recently. It goes "You don't know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you have." I can't even begin to say how much this has meant to me recently- I thought i was strong before all this, but i was horribly, horribly wrong. I was so weak before all this- I became strong when that's the only option I had.

Suki, one of the cats we adopted in Robert's memory, enjoys attacking me... When I actually am able to FALL asleep.... very painfully. (I included a picture of her in here =3 she's adorable. She's the smaller one.)