today my doctor is coming to talk to me, I have not seen her in almost a year. shes coming to talk about shawn and why. I went to see shawn earlier this morning and asked him and mom to be by my side, I just cant do this with out him. dear god help me through this morning.  please shawn I need you with me, I beg you to be here. im  afraid to hear it.  I cant stop crying and my broken heart is pounding so hard. my legs feel like rubber. don't leave me shawn, please be by my side please.  love you forever  mom