Well it has been awhile since I have posted or even visited my page.  My Grandfather passed away the end of April.  Although his passing was somewhat expected and almost a relief to end his suffering, I found this to be a particularly hard time. While there to help plan a funeral and grieve for my Grandfather, I found myself re-openning the wounds that plagued me the month before. Everything from entering the house where my father lived to seeing his clothes still hanging up was a continual reminder of his absence.  At the funeral I had the honor of standing in my father's place and speaking for him during the funeral, but found it ripped at the already open hole in my heart. I cried very little before this time, but somehow seeing everything unfold again (although this time for my Grandfather) broke down that wall I built up to protect me from the truth (He's not coming back).  My Mother who thoughout the years has grown further and further apart from us children has almost completely cut us off from her presence. She has persisted to throw away and give away anything that my dad has ever touched including us. I have been a mess since the funeral and my everyday tasks have been almost impossible to complete. I don't want to clean the house, make dinner, or even converse with anyone.  I find myself losing myself in TV and books, trying to avoid reality. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of it before I lose myself completely.