Regret

So I've been going through this stage of things wondering how I could have done things differently if I had known that Rocky would live only 1 year from the time of our first visit to the Dr at Huntsman. The Dr said "6 months to 2 years"  Rocky and I wondered "when does the clock start on that?"  It started that day, and one year later my Rocky died.

How I wish I had known that.

I don't know why I'm going through this. People tell me not to have regrets. But how can I do that? If I had known I wouldn't have wasted so much time doing other things...I would have spent more time with Rocky. I would have talked him into not working anymore, so he could spend what time he had doing things he really wanted to do. Instead he plowed through it all, all that horrible cold weather he had to work in, trying to make his customers happy. He was a carpenter. A really good one. He always wanted people to be happy with the work he did. But he hated most of the jobs he had to do...he couldn't use his creativity and the customers did nothing but whine and complain over things that couldn't be controlled.  I would have told him "forget about all that. Just spend your days doing what you want"

I didn't. I worried over money, and the lack of money. I worried over my future being alone. I didn't think about spending more time with him. Just being together. Talking. Holding each other. Taking more photos. Anything.

Yes I have a lot of regret. It's eating me up. I wish I had known how long I had.  I asked Rocky all the time "do you FEEL like you're going to die?" He would always say "no, not even close" So we lived under the false belief that this might just work out, that we might just beat this. Or at the very least, have beyond that 2 years ahead of us.

We didn't and I hate that I didn't know this.

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Tags: regret, sorrow

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Comment by kathleen akin on January 9, 2017 at 5:39pm

Billy Jo Colt, I understand what you mean, about regret being normal for everyone. I really have huge regrets though. Huge! He always took care of me, and I got used to that. He made everything so easy for me and I had never had anyone like that in my whole life. So I just fell into it. Like he was this pillow, a soft landing for me. I took advantage of that everyday I was with him. I always appreciated it, and I would tell him that he was ruining me with his love. That there would be no one who could ever do as good.

So now I am faced with all the things he used to just take care of without me even noticing. That's the hard part. I didn't know. He did so much and I was oblivious.

I hope he knows now how much I appreciate him. How sorry I am. How I wish I could go back....be nicer, pay more attention to him.

Love him better.

Comment by Billy Jo Colt on December 15, 2016 at 4:50pm

Hi Kathleen, your regrets are a normal part of grieving. I personaly don't know anyone who doesn't regret things after a loved one has passed. Part of this is being unable to accept that the person you love has a terminal illness. We try and block it out, forget about it, push it to the back of our minds. Seldom do we really think about the consequences. Then when the inevitble happens we are caught up in remorse, pain, loss and more. I was with my Mom constantly for weeks before she died of Cancer. Her death was the first one I really had to deal with. Looking back I regret so many things. I would often take my guitar to the Hospis she was in and just sing the songs she liked me singing. In a way that took my mind of the future. I didn't want to think about it or accept it. It is very difficult to deal with something we often find difficult to accept. I certainly did. Yet again when my Dad died, I wasn't prepared for it to happen as quickly. He wanted to go. Then shortly after one new year, he did go. Naturaly and not any other way. I still regret things like not visiting him often enough, or calling him on the phone more. Then when my girlfriend died, I couldn't accept it at all. It was sudden, unexpected and completely out of the blue. A loss of any kind is still a loss. It makes very little difference if we know what will happen. Human nature and our minds work contrary to reality. Please don't dwell too much on regrets, accept them as a flaw in who we are, only when you are ready to. Huggs, xx John

Comment by Carl accomando on December 12, 2016 at 9:12pm
We were so positive she was getting better but the damn treatment was killimg her we were so focused on getting better we didn't notice the decline
Comment by Carl accomando on December 12, 2016 at 9:05pm
I'm having the same problem did we make the right choice for my wife's cancer treatment now im wondering if we did but at the time it was all there was

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