I'm an only child who just lost my mother to a heart attack. She was 67 when it happened and I spent a year as her full time care taker trying to save her. We just lost her December 15th suddenly during a routine procedure. I screamed for an hour when I got the call. Its been 2 months and although I've been blessed with her signs. I can't stand this. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. She was more than my mother but also my best friend. I have lost my will to live altogether. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and suffer as it is. So going on in agony every day is exhausting. I'm 45 yrs old and I'm on chemo. The meds are killing me and I only wanted to not do myself in because I didn't want to hurt myself for my mothers sake. Now I feel like I'm really in hell. I can't shake the grief. I know she wouldn't want me to feel like this but no amount of counsiling, meds yada yada is going to fix this. I've had years of that to know better. I feel so cheated