You know I had high hopes for this year..January was boring long and uneventful. Feb. started out with promise and quickly turned into a pile of shit. Not only did my mom break her femur but we also found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. we started out with pretty high hopes of treatment that  was demolished quite quickly. Now she's been at home since the 3rd of March. We had about 9 good days with her..but she's slipping quickly and all I can do is stand here and watch my mother suffer and it's killing me. I'm not sure how much more I can take. This is the saddest most hardest thing I have ever been through. I'm not sure if people really understand the torment I'm feeling. I can't even close my eyes with out seeing her pain filled expressions. I can't sleep cause I dream horrible things. I still can't believe she's dying..I want to dig me a nice big hole and crawl in and hide..I don't wanna see anyone the pain in their eyes just make this worse. all I can ask is WHY? this has got to be the worse way to go..I'm thinking she's had stokes she can't move her right arm and it's driving her nuts. Her left side of her mouth is droopy.

I'm so sick of hearing this is normal for this and that. This is not f**king normal for a 53 yr old women suffering. oh it's normal for the end of life yah no sh**t. God I swear if I hear that one more time I'm going to smack the sh**t out of who's ever mouth it comes out of. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh! This is bullsh**t..My mom dying is bullsh**t and I can't help be f**king angry I'm mad and everything and everyone!!!! I don't care who's feelings are hurt I don't give a sh**t about anything right now..and I've had enough of all I can handle and I can't handle anymore. I'm done..I'm gonna cut myself off from everyone possible I don't wanna get close with anyone I can't handle someone else dying on me. I love her and it's not fair for her to be taken from us this way. why in this horrible f**king manner does my mom need to be taken from us. like this. It's crap it's f**king crap..She's a good person..she shouldn't have to suffer. I HATE this I HATE it! I don't want her to die..I don't want to lose her..But I also don't want her to suffer. She is suffering please god please don't let her suffer anymore. Cradle her in your hands and take her horrible pain away please I'm begging you to please comfort her so she isn't afraid and let her know none of this is her fault. Amen