My husband died on December 22nd after just 3 weeks of hospital care for cancer.  It went so fast I still can't process it all.  About every other day, I have sore sinuses from crying so much.  I see his last picture, I cry.  I see his lighter, I cry.  I see his drivers license, and yes I cry.  Then it seems I can move on a little.  It feels a bit like I just dove off the deep end, and the water is so deep I can't see the surface.  I think that when I reach the surface I will have learned to live with this, but part of me doesn't want to.  I'm afraid I'll forget him.  I don't want to reach that comfortable place where I can move on, and accept the fact that I'm a widow.  We all have to live our numbered days, and I will.  I do not mean that I don't want to live, but this has to be the biggest challenge I have ever faced.  I just wonder what God has in store for me.  I know that I will always enjoy Christmas, but I may be more reflective in the future.  I have to find out who the new me is now.  I am not his wife, I'm his widow.  What is that? Do I volunteer at the hospital, join a quilting club, or be the old lady with the dogs?  I'm only 54 so it almost seems funny.  I giggle at the thought, so maybe I'll be the crazy old lady down the road.  Oh lord!  It is just too bewildering now.  I just can't quite grasp the whole idea right now.