Avalynn died June 13, 2015. Though it has been just over a year, my heart is still heavy. I often feel dismissed by friends and family who feel I should be over it by now. They grew impatient a long time ago. So I'm not sure how to deal with the loneliness that is only meant for her to fill. Whether good or difficult memories of her suffering, I cry because I get jealous of myself holding her in that moment. I want so badly to look her in her eyes and see her life, her soul, her joy, trust, reassurance and hope. I want to feel her warmth, smell her sweet scent, hear her heart beating and her breathe. I feel like such a failure as a mother that I couldn't save her from her terminal conditions. I know it was out of my hands, that I did everything I possibly could. God knows how I would go days without sleep to make sure she was still breathing and comfortable. I saved her life countless times. She lived twice as long as was expected. I'm grateful for that, I know it was a miracle... but sometimes I wish the miracle was that she lived.