Mom,

I keep waking up hoping this is just a bad dream and that we will talk later in the day.

I know that your passing is real, but I do not want it to be.  I miss hearing your voice, the smell of your perfume and moisturizer, your silly posts on Facebook.  

I made it through Christmas as I know you would have wanted me to.  I hosted Christmas Eve at the house for Jerry's family, but I also went as far as inviting Tammy and Daddy.  I did not want them to be alone, as I am sure that was not something you would want.   Daddy did not come for Christmas breakfast, but I can understand his reasoning.  The memories of 20 years coming to my house to watch the kids open gifts were a bit overwhelming.  I made it through the day with minimal melt downs, until last night.

I put the memory card from the camera in my PC and the first picture I saw was you with Ava Lyn at her 2nd birthday party.  I still have trouble looking at pictures of you because my heart hurts so bad when I realize that there will be no more birthdays or time together on this earth. 

We found out that Jamie is expecting a little girl who will be named in your honor.  I have decided I will call her Little Nana after you.  Alexandria Diane might be a bit of a big name for such a little girl.  When I think of calling her Little Nana I cannot help but smile.  I know you are proud of us all and you will be with us always.  I still wish I could feel your soft touch, but I am hoping in the spring when it is not so cold I will feel you even more.

I have been pushing myself to hard Mom.  I have been in a constant state of activity since the call from Tammy on the morning you had passed.  I am trying to ensure that Daddy is OK, that Kyle is doing well and that Tammy is no so lost.   They miss you so much.  At least I did not live with you, while see something of you every moment they are home.   The dreaded side effect of me pushing myself so hard is that I am getting very tired and it is getting harder to push back my feelings of loss that you have left us. 

I am sure that you did not know that you were to die so suddenly.  I can even imagine that you told God the exact same I said to him.  "I am not ready!"   This is something I say, as well as "I still needed you!".   Of course, God his own plans, but that does not mean I have to like them! 

I heard the song "I will be missing you" on the radio today coming home from work and the chorus of the song says it perfectly.

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
Ill be missing you
Thinking of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
Ill be missing you

I miss you Momma and I will ALWAYS miss you.