just over two weeks today and i've moved from numb to destroyed.  he was sick for so long, why wasn't i more prepared, why didn't i admit it was the last moments together and spill my heart out.  i hope he knows i adored him.  the doctor told me to speak out loud and tell him what's on my mind and what i feel, but the words won't come without heart wrenching tears and total breakdown.  how can i break down when the kids need and expect me to be the strong one.  i just want to wail and cry, to scream in anger and frustration, to wake up and all of this be a bad dream.  i want more time..i want the last day back, i want to tell him 'yes' my love your dieing today, this is the end and forever and a day i'll love you.  don't be afraid, and that i'd carry him with me forever because my heart belongs to him and him alone.  there will never be another love another touch another look so clear and unconditional, filled with love as there was when he looked at me.  without him i feel unsatisfactory, ugly and lost.  and the house filled with people is lonely because he's not here and will never come thru the door and be here again.