It is nearly 27 months since you left me.  I am still trying to accept that each morning when I wake, you won't be there with the kettle boiled and the tea made for our breakfast.  You are my last thought each night and the first each morning. I knew that when you came home from the hospital that last July that you were getting weaker and would not be with us much longer, but I didn't want to accept that so I just kept going as usual and pretended.  Maybe if I hadn't then this would have been easier to accept.  I knew in that last couple of weeks, that you wanted to tell me something - did you know - why didn't I let you say something.  I was just too scared to hear the words. I still feel so guilty that I didn't get up when you did that morning, but that was not our way.  The shock when I saw you on the floor will never leave me.  I didn't panic but I knew that you had left me even though the ambulance men tried to revive you.  The hardest thing I had to do was call our children and tell them that you had gone. I will always be grateful to our friends who took over and organised things after that as I know I couldn't have done so.I have needed you so much over the last 2 years that the hurt has been tinged with anger because you aren't here.  I have so needed to have you here to talk to especially with all that has happened to our daughter - she so nearly joined you and I have been so alone because our friends although the try to be there for me, just don't understand or know what to say to me - what is to say when your daughter is nearly killed by a madman. I miss you so much.