Im hurting like Ive never hurt in in entire life!!!!!!

Today for the life of me I couldn't remember what we did to my son, so I called my partner, and ask him.  [Here a secret we found out when we had my son cremated, if you have a love one cremated at a Black Funeral Home the price is 795.00. after calling around 10 Funeral homes we got ahold of a black Funeral Home.  The men came right out and told us that the difference between White and Black funeral home, the other funeral homes we called that night wanted 2500.00 to 3000.00 dollars to cremated my son they were White Funeral Home the director told us if they charge over 795.00 for a cremation there cheating you]. 

So that the secret we were told the night Matthew passed.  I cremated him because a year before in 2012. Him and I were going some where and the conversation came up and my son made me swear to him if something happen to him to have him cremated, so we did. Reason he was afraid he'd wake up in a coffin and not be able to get out. That was his reason , so I honor his last wishes... 

I get mad easier now.  This week I had a trip to another tow here in /east Texas took about a hour I was mad at Matthew soI chew him out for not allowing us to tell him goodbye

 

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Comment by anne on August 30, 2013 at 5:42pm

Not getting to say good bye. I think it is what keeps us from healing and moving forward. When my little boy died, I scolded him for not sitting proper at the café where I worked. An hour later he was killed in a car accident. He burned to death. I never got to say good bye. Same when my oldest son was killed in a car accident after serving 18 months in Iraq on the front. No good bye there either. It has taken me a very long time to accept that as much as I have. I don't think some of the pain from that ever goes away, but somehow, somewhere in my heart I believe I will hold them both in my arms. I hold on to that because that's what keeps me going. I wish for you a way to feel comforted. We all do our best to survive. Writing here is one of the best ways I have found to survive without causing me anymore trauma. I find blogging here helps the bad days when I feel like I can't handle life anymore, and it helps on the days that I'm feeling good because I can read the joy and remember the good stuff. I also write because then I can look back at some of the ugly stuff and maybe learn a lesson or two about what coping skills help, and the one's that don't. I have learned a lot about myself, and what thoughts I have about things I can't talk about with anyone. Most of all writing here allows the nasty thoughts, and feelings to come out before I snap. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Peace

Comment by Judy Edwards on August 30, 2013 at 5:14pm

So we got cheated out of saying goodbye because, he was in a coma when he was brought in and pronounce dead still in the coma I didn't get to say bye .  Where he knew I was telling him.
I've been told to get rid of his ashes which I can't do I think his boys should when they turn 18 years old.. I can't breath at time them my back goes into spasm, then all the other things that go with grieving.  I looking for any suggestion on how to want to live again  how to. just get though the hurt and pain I'm feeling.  Any tips any thing that help other get through their pain.  I feel stuck and can't do anything but count down till the next month.  So any thing that help y'all thru your grieving please feel free to pass it on your tip idea anything I desperate.  I like more friends I'm new so feel free to become my friend  Thanks Judy Edwards    

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