My father has been, for many years, the one I called when I needed someone to talk to, the one who always let me know he believed in me. I miss him so incredibly. It has made me realize that I need to make some changes in my life because I have been the soother, the mediator, the caretaker in my family and I find myself with nobody to cry with much of the time.
We are planning his memorial in a few days and that is another painful step in letting him go. I want to honor his memory, carry on his love in the world and the things that were important to him. But I don't want to say goodbye again. I said goodbye to doing art with him, I said goodbye to clear and cogent conversation, then any conversation. I said goodbye to his wakefulness and then the complete goodbye. I can't stand the thought of another one.
Since I was a little girl he would hear or see a bird and identify it for me. I got him a book with the recordings of bird calls in it after he went to the hospital for a surgery. He loved hearing the bird calls and would ask me to play some for him. As his health declined and his pain increased the bird book got set aside. During his last week I found the book and put in a new battery. He was no longer talking at that point and barely waking. I played the Canada Goose recording. He tilted his head slightly and mumbled "wild geese". He fell asleep for awhile and then asked my brother for some water and then said, "more birds." When this damn rainstorm stops reliably I want to go to the Sandhill Crane Reserve to see the cranes fly in as a way to be with my father.