You know how the waves of feelings come over you during these grieving times; one came yesterday, a peaceful one. I felt a sense of gratitude and a feeling of grace that I had/have that degree and quality of relationship with my father. I don't have to wrestle with a sense of regret that there were things that didn't get said or understandings never reached. It is the hollow ache of not having him to talk to or to do art with that is so hard.
When a beloved dog of mine died a few years ago I didn't know what to do with my arms. He was blind and small enough to carry and so I often did so that it didn't take so long to get anywhere. When my father was diagnosed with cancer I talked to him every morning by phone. What do I do now with all that care, love and attention?
There are some feelings of animosity between several members of my family that are coming out now in this time of sorrow. It feels so against what my father wanted for us; he said after waking up after a surgery "If they were laying here none of this crap would matter. It means nothing."