My trip out to see my mom and sis for thanksgiving was a turning point. Flying out there, I was stressed out, as always. First major holiday without my daddy sitting at the head of the table. And as always I'm stressed and worried about my family. But it was actually great. I'm busy getting food, cleaning the house, making dinner, and they're so excited for Thanksgiving. Decorating the tree, the house. We laugh and have a great time, and while he's always on my mind, it doesn't seem to come up that he's gone.  And I'm happy that I'm able to fly there and create a great thanksgiving for them.  When decorating the house, mom mentioned to put a little lighted tree next to his urn, so 'he has his own tree'. I'm shocked with her alzheimers that she remembers that he's gone. She seems to understand that he really is gone and I think in her mind it's been years...not months. At times like this I'm glad she remembers nothing. 

There were signs of him everywhere but funny, I didn't realize it till later..driving home from the market I see not once but twice a blue '64 hatchback mustang. His beloved car, that I gave to his best friend.. sitting in a open garage and in a parking lot. His car.  I think, that's funny. I never see his car. Later on thanksgiving day, I'm changing the tv channel to hit the CNN news, 'breaking from ny'.... to see a photo of a ladybug on the tv, talking about how the extinct 9 black dots ladybug has been found in upstate NY, the state insect. The ladybug, is the symbol between my mom and dad... staring at me from the tv. I realize he's here.. he's telling me he's here on thanksgiving day. Funny, I was the only one in the room, the only one to see it on the tv.. in my mind over and over I keep telling him daddy.. hi daddy.. I know you're here.... I miss you.

I'm having a lot of dreams of daddy now. And each dream is bringing more and more. The last dream he came up to me and hugged me. I could feel his arms around me and he was so there... it felt so real. And I was so shocked that I could feel him, and so thrilled that I couldn't talk. He started to say something to me, but I woke up. Another dream was him telling me he was fine, and that he loved me. "I love you Daddy." "I love you too pumpkin." For days when I talk to him at night, I always ask him how he is, and he finally in a dream told me, he's fine. I opened my eyes to bright light in my room, so bright that I thought maybe his spirit was in my room. I looked again and realized that my curtains were closed, and my room was dark. I so believe it was him. Funny, but ever since that dream, I have no pain. No searing pain of realizing that he's gone and that I'll never see him again. Now I think of him and smile. I still get sad, but the pain.. it's gone. And in every dream, he's surrounded in white light.. I know in my dream that it's his spirit.  And I keep telling him to come back....if a dream is all I get now, fine. Just come back. Don't leave me.