Find it weird, but I do not want to forget a single second of the past horrible 2 months. Not to be morbid or twisted, but I just don't want to forget. Took me awhile to figure out why. It's because every thing that had happened will be a last. My daddy's last smile, the last time he looked at me, the last time we talked, the last time we said i love you to each other. The last time I saw his face light up when I walked in the hospital room. The last time he squeezed my hand when he couldn't talk anymore.  Now it's all going to the be the last. Which is mainly why I'm writing here; because my biggest fear is that I will forget everything. All my friends say I won't, but I already am.  Things he used to say and do.  I don't know if I'm in shock, numb or just can't remember anymore. 

I almost welcome the intense pain I get sometimes at the knowledge that he is truly gone. I always think all I have to do is pick up the phone and he'll be there.  And then I remember. And the pain hits.  It somehow brings me closer to him because I'd rather have pain, than forget.

Every night I ask Daddy to please not leave me. I know he's gone; but I mean his spirit. I want him to forever be standing by my side, watching me, guiding me, helping me. I want proof.  A feeling, a sense. Something ; anything.  Prove to me that you're still here. He never believed in any of that stuff but I did. All my friends say yes he is, but that's not good enough. Show me.  Show me you're still here daddy. Because if you do, then maybe this won't be so bad and I can get through this.