I don't know what to do anymore, so I'm going to write.
Every day feels worse and more lonely than the day before, since I lost my husband and best friend. I never knew life could go from being so beautiful and wonderful one day to being an ugly, awful burden the next day. In November and December, I never thought life could be so sweet. My husband and I had just moved on to the next phase of our life. We had bought a house only months before. We were finally finished moving in (although not finished unpacking). We had so many plans. So many hopes and dreams and goals. So much to do with our new house. This year we were possibly going to have kids on the way. I loved every second of my life, from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. I remember soon after we bought our new house, my husband had fallen asleep in his new favorite chair, and I watched him for a moment before thinking "God, thank you for giving me this life. I found Dash and I'm finally happy. Please don't ever let me be forced to live a different life." Well, if there is a God he must have thought that was pretty funny, because not even a month and a half later Dash was gone and my life was shattered. If there's a God he couldn't even help with the two things I ever prayed for. He couldn't help my sick mother, and somehow, he couldn't save my husband even though there was absolutely no reason for this accident to have happened. Dash was the safest person I have ever known.
Now I wake up every day, not seeing the only face I wanted to see for the rest of my life. I go to bed crying myself to sleep because I'm not sleeping next to the only body I wanted to sleep next to for the rest of my life. I wander through my day, lost, because all I can think about is all the plans Dash had wanted to, all the dreams he had that he will never complete. I stand in the garage staring around at all of his hopes and dreams and goals and I feel shattered, broken and empty because I know he won't be back to complete his dreams. And I won't be able to share his dreams with him. I have learned that there is NO worse feeling in the world than seeing the unfinished, broken hopes and dreams of the person you love the most, the person you love more than you love yourself, and knowing he can't ever finish his dreams.
I go out in the world and find myself increasingly more depressed because there are so many people in the world, so many millions, and mine is not here.
And now I don't know what to do anymore. So I just pretend. I pretend I'm okay because it seems to make other people lay off on the constant prodding and questions. I put on a fake smile and make small talk and just fake my way through the day. Then I come home and busy myself with things around the house that he wanted to work on. It seems to make the day go by fast, and I suppose that is a good thing, because it's closer to the someday when I won't have to be here anymore.