I'm turning to an online grief support site because I don't know where else to look.  I feel like everyone in my life is either too close or too far from what happened, and those who are in between are not around.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger and I think it's taken me a while to admit that.  But when people ask me how I am, or I consider this anger, I can only think: How should I feel?  Isn't anger one of the stages of grief?  At what point does anger go from grief to a problem?  How am I supposed to be objective and know that?

I hate everyone.  I hate my brothers for not living closer and for not being around, though it's not their fault they live in different places and have lives.  I hate my friends for not being around when it happened.  I hate that people ask once, "How are you doing?" and when you say you're fine, never care to ask again.  I hate that I'm the only one of my friends whose father will not walk her down the aisle, or meet her children.  I hate that I'm so damn young.  Really, I'm a child.  How is this fair?

I hate that I know I'm being irrational and immature.  I'd thought through this whole process that I was more mature than anyone, dealing with my father's illness and death.  I was the one child that was there through the whole thing.  How am I now proving myself to be more immature than anyone?

To give this some context, I am twenty years old.  I was studying abroad in Bolivia when my mother skyped me to let me know that my father had a terminal illness and I needed to be home now.  I made it home in time to be with my father for nine days before he passed.  He died of very advanced pancreatic cancer, of which they were aware for less than two weeks.  His passing was traumatic -- I never knew what terminal agitation was.  I never truly knew why morphine was important.

And worst of all, I miss my dad.