How long until the tears will stop...?

it was 79 days today since Robert had been hit, and i find myself randomly thinking about it and crying. I thought i would be better by now, i always had been with any sort of loss. When me and Robert were little, our step-grandpa, who we call Popop Ralph, passed away unexpectedly and he and I were over it within 2 months. With Robert, I know i was much, much closer to him and it's a much more difficult time for me now, considering i was already really sad since Robert moved out (about 2 months before the accident), but during the 6-day stay in the hospital, i was pretty much fine. I barely cried around others (and i still don't) during the stay because i thought that if i stayed calm and everything, considering I was closest to him, so would everyone else. And it worked, until the last day and the funeral, when everyone thought I didn't care that my brother was gone because I had stayed so calm and collected the whole time around other people. People blamed me, and said I was heartless and that I should care more... They don't know how much that hurt. My (now ex) boyfriend was there for me through the whole thing, but when i decided to break up with him the day after the funeral, he decided it would be a good idea to tell me how "if he lost his brother (he and his brother ware very close also) he would be in much worse shape than i was," and that "i need to care more for the others that are hurting that my brother was gone since i obviously didn't." That, of everything people had said to me, hurt the most, because he was there for me on the days i just couldn't have the twitch-of-a-smile on. I can remember every detail of the hospital, from where to turn, to what floor to go to, to the design in the walls and floors, to how his room smelled, to where i was when I was told my brother, my closest brother, had been hit by a truck and was now in a self-induced coma. I was just randomly thinking, and the memory of him, lying in the bed, so many machines hooked up to him, his face and whole body puffed up times its normal size, the smell of the blood and medicine, how completely numb and somehow extremely tired and hungry at the same time I was, how late I stayed the first night... I can't get any of it out of my thoughts. I just wish i could forget what he looked like in the hospital bed, and remember him laughing, smiling, hell, even eating, anything other than that crippled 19 year old laying in a white bed, looking so uncomfortable and pained and wanting to be free...

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Tags: Husak, Robert

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Comment by Kelly Husak on August 7, 2011 at 2:22am
I do forget every once in awhile, and then i remember and think of how horrible it was for me to forget about him. I'm trying to not let anything that anyone says get to me, but after so many have said the same thing, it's hard to not think that they're right. I wish people would stop asking me to do more than I can. I'm sorry you're having the images, too, and they are the same way with me. Court will be coming soon, hopefully, but the driver of the truck is still out on the streets and he is refusing to get interviewed. I know Robert is at peace, and i wish i could be at peace also just by knowing that, but i can't help but think of how different things would be if he just didn't go to the park that day. So far, i've only been on here for a few days and it has helped. Thank you, Ruth.
Comment by Ruth on August 7, 2011 at 2:10am

Dear Kelli,

It makes sense to me.  All this goes in cycles, sometimes you're taking care of business and can actually forget for a minute or two.  Other times my pain is overwhelming and throbbing and is there if I am awake. I understand about wanting to keep calm and being the leader for your loved one's sake.  You did YOUR best, maybe not THE best so don't let anyone judge you; be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself either.  Doing YOUR best is all anyone could ever ask.  God and your brother know. 

 

The images. I don't have answers about that.  They come unbidden and for me are very intrusive and unwelcome.  I pray for peace, knowing at least my loved one is at peace and that we both deserve that peace.  I am coming upon a hard time for that and will not be reading or listening to everything in court, etc. thanks to the things I have read here, I will need to protect myself from more than what I have/know.  Sharing here helps me so much and what others pour out in grief has helped me, so don't hesitate.  It might seem weird or over the top as you write but here it isn't. Journalling is a great tool. Ruth

Comment by Kelly Husak on August 7, 2011 at 1:05am
i practically just put down what i was thinking, so i doubt its in order at all, i dont even know if it makes sense

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