Just the thought of holidays coming make me sad, because he will not be here. It's so hard to believe that he's gone. I keep thinking, randomly, things about him and i don't even remember that he's not here anymore, but then i do and it sends a wave of shocking pain and sadness over me. I hate this... I just want to be better again, but I'd feel bad if i got over it, i know i would. But what else can I do? I know I'll have to be OK again someday... I just don't want it to be now. And the holidays are going to be hard, Thanksgiving and Christmas, because of going up to visit Kenny and his family. But it'll all be different, because I'll be alone. Never, for big holidays like this, have I ever been without him to come with me. And thinking that he wont be here this year just makes me feel worse. I don't know how I'm going to stand it...