I see my wife gasping her last breaths (May 26,2012) I was visting her in the hosp for over a month.She recieved a pace maker and new heart vales.Medically her insides went bad she was on dialysis for over 5 yrs. For some reason while in the hosp I made a decsion that I never thought I would make.I gave the hosp staff permission to take out her breathing tube and she died. It didn,t faze me untile the 2 or three month.Now my mind is running all the memories of our life together over and over .(well not that often.) Some heavy grieving at times .Iam having a difficult time adjusting.

 She meant well but on occaion was vindictive and repulsive to me. We loved each other in our own way. I feel bad I didn,t express my love more but she shut me out.So ever how productive my life was while married to her is gone.She did care though. I never really adjusted mentally as a adult in handling relationships.

Its been a year since she passed and I keep her ashes(cremation) Its hard to grasp times the woman I knew is compresed in box (plastic contanier in the box holds the ashes.) Iam thinking keeping the ashes in the house we lived in is wrong in a sense. It probaly is . I grow tired of it I made the place I keep her ashes in a  altar of sorts. I keep all the different stuff she was associated with near by , Note books ,bingo ink stamps ,couple dresses in the closet etc etc.

I see my self holding my  own and its good in a way if I compressed it all down into a couple of boxes. I don,t want to get rid of anything . I see the need  to get rid of a lot of stuff. It can hurt bcause I have almost a garage full of stuff that remains of her. Its especially bad with old papers anything dishes,kitchen appliances etc .

Oh well Iam a lost soul . I feel bad ,why? I never developed any friends and she never had anyeither at one time maby.She put up with me ,love,benifits sex?

I miss her Iam alone trying to cope.So Its a 66yr old adult male without anyone to care for me or sceam at me or throw my clothes out the door or have someone to around you that makes you feel apprensive all the time . It wasn,t like that all the time ,but thats what I married into It was complicated .

I was reading over my entry here. She was suffering and maby in a selfish way I couldn,t take it anymore . We,ll see what my future is