As a woman, emotions are hard to handle, hard to control and hard to calm into logic.  But  being a woman or not, I'm sure this can go for anyone, this grieving, this pain seems to be its own person. Like a heavy weight inside my head and heart, a powerful spirit who can buckle me at my knees...With all respect for my mother i know she wouldn't  want me to still be crying, to still be able to not function without her. But at times it just seems like i cant help it. I wonder why it is that we are the ones in pain. I wish i could be happy like i used to be. to be able to accept the fact that she is no longer in pain. I wish i wouldn't be so selfish as to want her back. This grief spirit spews out such vile emotions and i have no power to stop it or even keep it in check, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger, the frustration.  I take it out on the ones around me and i pray they see the reality to this pain i am in. I pray they don't take it personal. I simply cannot help it. I cannot help the jealousy when i hear of mothers talking of their daughters and i cannot help but feel anger jealousy and pure utter hopelessness when i see my boyfriend be able to talk to his mom and  laugh and fight it out with her, How precious this time, and how precious these relationships are. And we all take them for granted once they are permanently severed. I don't want to learn to live with this pain. I just want to learn to let this pain go and to be at peace with my mother gone into a place where her pain is no longer an issue. I pray for some eye opening epiphany so i can better understand this grief. it seems so selfish, and all i truly want is to be selfless and happy.