Today I am ok and so I am grateful. Coach Louise talked to me about the truth. It helped alot. The truth is you can't predict when bad things are going to happen. Today I am strong enough to accept the truth, that things are going to happen whether I like it or not, but it's what I do with those things that will make the difference in my life. I believe in God. God makes me angry, confused and dissapointed. I still believe. When I'm angry he hears words that should never be heard. When I feel like I can't go on something happens and I somehow find the strength to get through another day. I believe it's him. I tried to kick him out of my life when my other son Ben was killed. I said to God, "really" " what is up with that? Why would you do this to menot once but twice? REALLY? I am slowly figuring it out that this is not the work of God. This is the work of life and there's no getting around it. God gave us a miracle. Jesus Christ. The rest is up to us. Sometimes I feel like God has done me wrong and that he does not hear my cries, but thats my anger that's my frustration and I want answers.we all want answers we all want to undrstand why, but could that be the part where true faith comes in? If god gives a miralce for me then he'd have to give one to everyone and there would be no learning, no blind faith. I believe we create our own miracles, I have to or I would be angry forever. The one thing I dislike the most is when others say " my child was saved because of a miracle" Ok so if thats true then why did'nt my child get saved by a miracle? Are others more important to God than me? Am I not worthy of a miracle too? Then I thought how silly the whole thing is. I believe God loves us all the same and that we make our own miracles in our lives. Heck just survivng the loss of a child is a miracle in it self. I survive because it's up to me to make my own miracles. A day without severe pain to me thats a miracle. The days that I can remember the happy days of my sons lives, that's a miracle. Being allowed to share my self and my story without judgement and ridicule that's a miracle. I believe surviving the loss of a child is a lifelong journey. A journey of love and remembrance, and sometimes alot of pain. I have to believe, I want to believe. I want to survie.I may not feel like this everyday but I do today and deep down in my soul I know I believe always, it just gets cloudy somedays. This is my blog so I can talk about God if I want to. I need to. I'm not afraid to. Bens birthday is at the end of the month  it will be a hard day to get through, but once again I will write in my blog and let it all hang out. I find writing as helpful as a therapist. Here I can say aand feel whatever I need to to help me survive the world of unfairness. Untilnext time, be good to yourself, try not to beat yourself up and always remember that you are loved.