Oh, I had written a reply on Change of Seasons and lost the whole thing.  Just needing to empty out my storage tank of sad thoughts.  Writing it out, talking to my son sometimes helps.

Coming up on another winter/holiday season and thoughts (memories) are running wild again.  Two nights ago (out of the blue) I pictured the snow that was on our deck the first winter you were not here.  Maybe it had been the first snowfall that year - I can't remember that.  All I know is that the vision brought me to tears.  It has been repeating in my head and I can't figure out why.  Then yesterday I went to the store and decided to put the CD on that was in the player.  Big mistake.  It was the same one that we had listened to when we were out the last time together.  I miss our little outings, but occasionally I feel you sitting there.  I have only tried to listen to it one other time since you left us.  The first song on that CD has a whole new meaning for me now.  It makes me think of your struggles and that I should have been there more for you.  I wanted to be.  I just didn't know how.  I would just tell you that I loved you and you would say, "I know Mom".  You would withdraw into your own space and I didn't know how to get there.   But, YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND.  Just as you are still.  I loved you then, I love you now.  I will always love you and miss you.

Brenda_Lee_Always_On_My_Mind.mp3

Maybe I didn't treat you,
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you,
Quite as often as I should have
Little things, I should have said and done,
I just never took the time...

You were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you,
All those lonely lonely times
And I guess I never told you,
I'm so happy that your mine
If I made you feel second best,
Well I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind

Tell, Tell me, Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give to me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind, yeah...
You were always on my mind....