It is so hard to begin. Grief it seems is taking over my life. I have been holding my breath unconsciously for four years now. I don't want to give in to the grief for fear if I do it will all be true and I will disappear. Four years ago my younger sister died quite suddenly. She was 10 years younger then me, and we were estranged 14 months at the time, for a misunderstanding that never got resolved. I had therapy and was making some progress when my mother died two years later. Eight months after my mother died, at age 84, one of my older sister's died after having her second leg amputated. She was my heart, and I was closer to her then anyone in the world. She died in February 2011. On the way home from my older sister's funeral my maternal aunt, and the only surviving member of my mother's family was killed in a car wreck.

I have been attending grief therapy, and have  a good understanding that I have to grieve each death separately, and each relationship and grief will be different. I woke up this morning in grief over the fact I can't call my mother. I so wanted to pick up the phone and just call her and talk. Mother's day was particularly painful for me because the first mother's day after my mom died was only 3 months after my older sister's death, and it didn't register. This mother's day, it finally hit me that my mom is dead. My mother and sisters were my go to people when I had problems or issues. They were my connection to who I am and gave me a sense of love, connection and community. Now my heart is broken into a million pieces, and everyone expects me to go on with my life like it never happened.

As a nurse and a counselor I was always the one, and still am , that people look to for answers and comfort. Today I have no answers and no comfort to give,and am wondering where is my comfort. Where is my answers? I have a good relationship with God, and am more spiritual than religious. My husband is a God sent, but he is an only child and doesn't have a clue as to my relationships with my two sisters. His mother died 20 years ago, and his 93 year old dad is still alive. I lost my dad 20 years ago, and now the only one left in my family besides my 3 sons is my oldest sister.

So I am just trying to find my way around this loop, and see how all of you are dealing with the death of a loved one. Thanks for reading my post. Karren <>/p>