Well its not! It seems like its getting harder. Each day that goes by that I can't call my grandma or go see her, hurts me even more. I feel like im so far down and I don't have the energy to get up. I try to put on a happy face for everyone. But I don't think I can do that anymore. It hurts too much to fake a smile. I just want to go away. But I can't because im.a mom and a wife and I have to take care of them.
They say talking helps. It doesn't. I want to talk to her! But I can't. I don't want to talk to family because I don't want to make them sad when they could be having a good day. I can't talk to my husband because he doesn't understand. His family isn't close. He didn't understand why I went spend every day with her for the last two weeks of her life. He doesn't understand the hurt I feel and how much I want her back.
I go back and forth from sad to mad! I feel like someone cut me open and took out my heart some days. I just feel numb. I feel like I can't go on anymore but I have to. The doctors have changed My depression meds so much because they just don't work. And im tired of changing them.
Im so mad at myself for telling her she could go and that I would be okay. I knew I wouldn't be okay and I didn't want her to leave me. Im mad I couldn't keep her forever. Im mad she can't watch my kids grow old.
They say shes in a better place with no more pain. I know that. And when I think about that and how happy she must be with her other loved one's, it helps. But I wish I could have taken all her pain and she could have lived to see everyone grow old. I wish god would have taken me instead.
My worst fear growing up, was losing her. And the day I watched her take her last breath, I lost a lot of myself. Im not me any more. Im numb. And now my fear is losing someone else because I don't think, I know I won't be able to handle another death.
So I hope god takes me before he takes someone else.