Billy today I went for my first counseling session. It was hard but I talked it out you I'm blaming myself for not talking to you that day about what I suspected. If I would have would you still be here could I have changed your mind. I have so much frustration about this be cause I'm hurt, feel abandoned, numb, just going through the motions to get through the day. I'm scared and I want to block it all out and pretend your still here. If I don't face reality it's not real. I know everything happens for areason and death is a natural process. I want answers I want to understand I want to know why. I have to learn I may never get the answers I want. That's hard to swallow. I have to wait 8 weeks for the autopsy report and I may learn nothing cause I was told to prepare for it and what it might or might not say. How in the world do you prepared to be shaken to the core. I don't know what is going to happen but I do know I have your memories like the way you would laugh at Cas or your Billy fits as we called them. You see I think of them often and talk to you. I had you for a short time and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. You are my other half you left a whole in my chest. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss rubbing your bald head. I miss you so much. Billy I love you.