On May 4th of this year, it was the 30th anniversary of my dad's passing. I lost him when I was a  rebellious, vulnerable individual, lost somewhere between child and adulthood. He'd been sick with a very aggressive form of cancer. He did not tell me. When I look back now, the signs were there, but he did put on a good front. I can't imagine what his wife went through, knowing this, but not letting on to his kids.

I remember going to my apartment and a neighbor saying that the police had been there looking for me. I called the station, where I was told there was a family emergency and to call my brother. David told me that dad had passed away. I had no idea what he was trying to say, so I asked to come over. We sat and talked about things. I think I was numb.....until the day of his burial. Nothing seemed real. The last time I had talked to him, he seemed fine. How could he have had cancer? Then I got angry with dad for leaving me, with God for taking him, with Hanni (his wife), for not sharing with me. With life in general.

So, I spent the next 30 years hanging on, never finding the understanding of how and why things went they way they did. 

About mid April I began to feel like he was trying to communicate with me. He was telling me that he needed to find peace and to rest, but couldn't because I couldn't let go. Somehow, I started to look at things differently. He didn't want people coddling him during his last days. He wanted to enjoy his time. Which he did. He took trips that he never would have before. He watched kids and grandkids laugh and smile lots. I cried a lot of tears, did a lot of soul searching once this was I started looking at things this way. I began to understand.

I went through this time because I didn't have a connection to why he died. I mean, to me, he was gone without explanation (because I never knew about the illness till after). 

I finally went to his grave site on May 4th. My husband helped me to clean it up, and put some flowers down. (it had been a very long time since I had gone there). On this day I cried, but I felt at peace. I finally said good bye.