on November 5 I was taking my son shawn to get his meds he was having trouble breathing, when he got back into the van I said are you ok and he just fell over. I was screaming for him to wake up, 2 doctors ran out to help us. across the street was the hospital  they drove my van over and soon after they told me hes gone. oh god I wanted to die and I still do. hes my only child. without him theres nothing left for me. I go see him everyday, I cry all day and night, and I pray every night to take me with him. the pain is so unbearable, I feel so very alone. shawn is my life and always will be. I have lost friends through this, but I just don't care about anything any more. my husband seems to be going on but I cant. I wear shawnd sweater everyday, I sleep with his clothes, I need to smell him. I don't dream any more and I want so bad to dream of him. I feel my sisters were here for me but not now, they don't understand how that hurts me. I so very tired and go to bed everynight at 6 to cry and to talk to him to come to me. I feel so dead inside without my beautiful son, and I ask why, why did he leave me so young he was 40, but still my baby forever. theres no one to understand what im feeling, all holidays are killers, to never hear mom again I just cant take that. I feel theres no one out there that knows what im going through. I just don't know if I can keep this up much longer, I need so bad to talk to him, to hear his voice again, to touch him again. hes the love of my life forever.  thank you for hearing my thoughts and my broken heart        kim