**Sharing a feeling from back in June 2015...my wedding anniversary**

I have thought on more than one occasion, during Joey’s fight with cancer and after he died,
that I must be the brunt of some cruel joke orchestrated by the grand puppet master behind the
scenes in this realm I accept as LIFE.
Because why would you put someone so amazing, so completely captivating in some ones life
and then take them away. I blamed everything, even god, mostly god. I tried to think of things I
said to him before, I replayed the last time I spoke to him so many times in my head. I started to
become another person, I didn’t know who I was without him. My life was something off a
television show, I didn’t recognize anyone anymore.
Joe was the glue that kept us whole, and by us I mean the family unit. Without him we became
aliens to one another.
I no longer felt like I knew who I was. I desperately craved good days, I was exhausted from
trying to save memories of my life before his death. I missed everything about him, mostly the
love he had for his kids, my kids, who didn’t deserve to lose their dad.
I think now to how my son, who was only nine, never experienced his love fully, like he
deserved. I cry for him because I know the pain he will go through as all his life moments come
and he Joe isn’t there. I cry because he has so much of Joe in him that it takes my breath away.
His spirit is so spontaneous and quirky. He has so much love to give just like his dad,, he
reminds me so much of him. I know he’ll come to me with a head full of questions as he grows,
and I’ll cry because he wants to know things about the other half of him the parts that make him
who he is.
I’ve told my son things about his dad at the appropriate times. I’ve explain that he was his dad’s
pride and joy, the boy the baby, the duder . I’ve explained many things his dad wanted for him.
I’ve explained his work ethic, his love for me, his mother, and the way he took care of his
family. I’ve explained the love his dad had for him when he was a baby since he can’t remember
it.
I’ve explained to him as he gets older that men never hit women, and that it’s okay to treat
women right, I tell him how hot headed his father could be, explain that’s where he gets it.
I say it’s okay to be gentle to be soft, but remember to be strong when the times are right. I tell
him how great he is, I give him the confidence that his father isn’t here to give. I tell him how
much he is loved. I cry because I know that his father will always be proud of him.
I cry when I think about the words I never said to Joey, I saved them for the right moments.
I cry because it’s hard to be here without him, to look forward to the future without him in it.
I cry when I think of home, and a family so full of love. I cry when I think about our memories,
our stories.
I cry for my best friend, my spouse who didn’t have to be either one.
I cry because I’m so hurt and misguided, I am a woman who has lost so much of who she is.
I cry for my mistakes and the choices that I’ve made in the midst of my sadness.
I cry because I don’t know how to be the one that saves the day, when I feel like I can’t save me.
I cry because I never thought this would be me, I don’t want this to be me. I don’t cry for
myself, I cry for the person I was. A woman shouldn’t ever have too feel this pain.
I cry for the life I should have had, the memories I didn’t get.
I cry for him always, I scream at the sky and I ask, “Why? Please tell me why this happened to
me.”
I cry to god, please take this pain away from me.
I cry when I think of days where I will be set free from this constant pain, when I’m home
with you.