On Thanksgiving of this year, I called my Mom excitedly to ask how to season my first Thanksgiving Turkey. This was my daughter's first Thanksgiving and I was floating on Cloud Nine. I was also nine months pregnant with my youngest daughter. I spoke to her for a little while. The plan was to eat our dinner and then head up to her house for dessert. I got off the phone when my 10 month old started to throw a temper tantrum and promised her I'd call her back. "You better!" She said before she hung up.

I cannot put into words to describe to you how much I wish I had just called her back as soon as I had quieted Emalee down, or even in the hour after that. I was so preoccupied with cooking our feast that I had forgotten and called her back 3 hours later. My Stepdad answered the phone. He sounded worried and told me that Mom had almost fainted. She was in the bathroom trying to regain herself. This was not a first for my Mom. She had high blood pressure and often complained of dizzyness. He put her on the phone as soon as she got out of the bathroom. I will remember the last time I heard my Mother's voice for the rest of my life.. the exact tone, words, everything. She sounded out of it. She told me she was okay. She was just tired, was going to lay down and call me when she woke up later on that night and that we would come over then. I had a feeling in my gut that something was off and asked her to call 911 just to be safe. She told me she was FINE and she was going to bed. When she put my Dad back on the phone, he promised me he would call me if she got worse or if anything happened. I checked my voicemail about two hours later and heard his voice telling me that Mom was fine. She was feeling alot better. She was going to call me in a little bit and he was going to the bar for a few drinks (he suffered from severe alchoholism). I went back to my babygirl's first Thanksgiving with a weight lifted off my shoulders.. it didn't last long. As we were lying in bed after we had stuffed ourselves full of food galore, i called my Mom's line and no one answered. About 10 minutes later, my younger brother Andy called me hysterical. He told me that he heard Mom scream in the bathroom and that she was lying on the floor. I told him to hang up and call 911 and tell them exactly what happened, and that I was on my way. He called me back a few minutes later and told me that they were coming to take her to the hospital. I called my oldest sister and told her what happened. She rushed down to the ER because I did not have a car and she was closer to the hospital. My fiance and I bundled our daughter up and headed to Mom's house to watch my baby brother who really isn't a baby. He's 11. Off and on, I spoke to dr's. When I got to my Mom's, my brother told me that Dad had lied. Mom was never awake and he had told him he was going to the store. He said that my Mom had been lying in bed moaning the entire time. A short time later, my sister called to tell me she was picking me up and hung up. She didn't and wouldn't add to it. Immediately, the panic set in. She and her boyfriend picked me up and calmly explained that Mom had a stroke; She was braindead. I willed myself to remain calm until I got to the hospital and went into the small room she was in. They had her lying in a way that I could not see her face. They covered it with a white sheet. My immediate family was standing around her. They wanted to know if she was an organ donor. They cut off a stone necklace she was wearing, and I somehow mustered up the strength to claim it. My uncle hugged me, and I almost refused to let go. My world had crashed. I went back to her house, climbed into bed. I don't know what I did that night. I know I did not sleep. The next day, I was called in by my sister to say my final goodbye to my Mother, the women who had given me life, the women I talked to multiple times a day on the phone every single day, my best friend. She hadn't been taking her blood pressure medication and had a brain anyeurism burst due to the constant high pressure, high stress levels and her chain smoking.

Kim Zantowsky died on November 25 2011 and she took a good portion of my heart and a good chunk of my soul with her. I gave birth to her youngest granddaughter on December 27 2011, and named her Kimberlee. I've struggled to find a way to live through the grief of losing her every single day since Thanksgiving. My girls are the only thing that keep me going. I think of Mom everyday, and mourn the fact that she is not with me to celebrate, to expirience, to love. I feel like a budding flower that can not bloom because someone has taken away my sun and replaced it with fake florescent lights.

I had developed pre-eclampsia after Mom died and now have high blood pressure. I am prescribed a pill that I take every single day like clockwork.

I am told that the first year is the hardest, and that the pain will ease up a bit with time. Its been six months, and I am still waiting for that time to come.

I do not find my life unliveable, but if it weren't for my children I think that it would be alot harder to type that. I am not suicidal or homocidal. I do not wish I could die to be with her, but I would be willing to give my right arm without a second's thought to talk to her one last time.

I joined this online support group to see if I can find that chunk of my soul again by writting about this and talking to others who feel the way I do.