Dear Mom, It's one of those nights/mornings.  I fell asleep very tired and in about 2 hours I woke up wide awake.  So here I am with the TV running in the background and my mind bouncing all over the place.  I hate this time of the late night.  It takes me back a few months ago sitting by your bed watching you breath and worrying.   Back then I wondered privately what it would be like once you were gone.  Well, I have my answer.  It's still pure hell.   I'm eating ant acid tablets like candy these days.  Some people stuff themselves with food to deal with their greif.  You know me.  I starve myself to the point I actually have to force myself to eat.  Nothing tastes good to me.  I stepped on the scale the other day and hadn't realized how much weight I've lost.  I'm down to 125lbs.  I weighed that my senior year in H.S.   I can hear you.. "EAT" 

I've learned no one has the right words to ease the pain.  There are days I can get by and other days I'd prefer if no one even spoke to me.  I want this feeling of shock to go away.  This evening I actually sat down and forced myself to say outloud... She's gone. She's really gone.  Over and over.   I'm sure I must have said it before but can't remember but felt like I needed to say it right then.  For some strange reason I still think at a certain moment it's all going to be a real bad dream and I'll wake up and things will be back to normal.  Am I going psycho?  LOL  I can hear you laughing over that comment.  What was it we use to say?  Oh yeah.  It's when we don't question our behavior that we should begin to be concerned if we are truly crackers  hahahaha.   Remember that time I told you about those on line tests to prove if someone was psycho and how I was going to make all the neighbors take it so we could weed out the ding a lings?  ahahaha.  It's a good memory and was a great laugh.   God mom I miss those moments but I do cherish the ones we had. 

I also want to say thanks for the little "signs" you send me every once in a while.  I get them.  I loved the way you used that little girl and mother in the store the other day.  When that little girl said I love you mommy and her mother said.. " I love you more" I knew she was going to say that and I knew it was you saying it to me.  You knew I'd be wishing that was me and you  :)   I would appreciate it though if you'd stop ringing the phone around 7 in the morning.  It's a little annoying  LOL.  Turning the TV off and on the other night was comical though. 

I miss you so much.  I just can't believe whats taken place.  I can still hear you whispering.. "it's going to be ok"  I think about that a lot.   You said it as if you'd glimpsed into the future and you knew something I didn't know.  I'll never let you go mom.  You are flowing through all my veins.  I love you!