Well now it's 9 months and counting.   I miss you always and forever times infinity.  This last week has been absolutely amazing.  It started out the same ol same ol it's been these last 9 month's carrying all of the garbage inside and wondering how much longer I can take it and asking over and over why did this all happen.  And then  BAM!  It happened.  The moment I never even remotely thought would happen.  The gift.  A gift that offers me a release from some of the pain.  That portion of…

I never thought I'd be at this point in my life where I'd actually say I don't think I can take the void much longer.  Your loss and all that has happened really is too much.  It's too final.   This was my biggest fear.  Every horrific nightmare that a person could hope would never happen has happened in less than a year. 

Four days ago for the first time I realized in complete clarity I will never see or speak to you again.  EVER.  It's now been 6 months since the moment I…

Dear Mom, It's one of those nights/mornings.  I fell asleep very tired and in about 2 hours I woke up wide awake.  So here I am with the TV running in the background and my mind bouncing all over the place.  I hate this time of the late night.  It takes me back a few months ago sitting by your bed watching you breath and worrying.   Back then I wondered privately what it would be like once you were gone.  Well, I have my answer.  It's still pure hell.   I'm eating ant acid tablets like candy…

There can't be a God.  If there is I'm convinced he's one lazy sick egotistical entity that just doesn't give a damn.  I miss you so much it feels like someone took a butcher knife and gutted me.  I cannot believe the journey we took and how horrific things turned out.  I will feel forever blessed to have been chosen your son.  It was unique to say the least but to me it was profoundly normal.  I never knew any other life.   I can still see all my friends when I was little asking if they…