This amazing guy happens to me, a man who taught me to trust again.  Who made me feel beautiful, special and worth loving and then he died!

I'm so angry. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have,  or don’t have; he's not here.

People remind me to eat, sleep, and to take care of myself, but nothing fills the hole in my heart.  Nothing fills the hole he left.   I feel like I’m missing part of myself.  Sometimes it’s so bad I feel like I can’t breathe and will never breathe again normally.

I thought I could pretend but it’s the ever constant realisation his gone when I wake up every morning knowing he won’t call, he won’t be with me.  That every day I grave his hugs, his kisses, his smile and the stroke of his hand.

I don’t understand why.  I want to scream and yell and ask why I don’t deserve to be happy.  Why the one who didn’t treat me badly or hurt me is the one I can never get back.

I’m afraid to show what I feel, to cry and to say I hurt and I don’t know what to do to stop hurting.  I want him back; these words resonate in my heart, my head and in every fibre of my core.

Six weeks since he died and I still live in a haze.  Part of me hoping that its some horrible nightmare I will wake up from.