The amount of things I'm grieving feel numerous:

I'm grieving the loss of the physical presence and connection of someone who was my entire world and in every moment of my day. I have had 4 main experiences I cannot logic away and given that indeed was his spirit presence, he is still with me. But of course I would much rather just have him physically here like it was before.

I'm grieving the loss being completely sudden and shocking. How can you explain loss…

So in the last 9 days I've had times of feeling the raw, suicidal pain resurface. I have my theory as to what caused it but I will spare that detail as something more important needs expressed.

The feelings of this pain is dark. So very, very dark that I'm not sure how to even describe it. Best I can come up with to my dissatisfaction: It's night time and overcast. No street lights, no headlights, not even a moon to be seen anywhere. It's pure, bleak, dismal, thick, dense, no sense of…

From what I read, there is no straight line through this hell and the only way out is thru. I don't know what "stage" of grief I'm in. It's become blurred after the height of the raw, suicidal, unbearable pain. Yea, I'm not crying every day. Yea, I'm not thinking as much about suicide. Yea, it doesn't feel like a nightmare I can't wake up from every second of existence. But I still don't believe this. I'm still unstable. I still can't believe he's really gone, physically, forever, and all…

Our love dies and we will never be the same, life will never be the same. It's been almost 15 weeks/3+ months and I still don't understand how to do this. This hollow existence makes no sense. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm functioning only to exist. I still can't believe Gary is gone and that I'm living this nightmare. It is so painful. I feel like I've done and am doing so much to try and cope but I'm still so…