So in the last 9 days I've had times of feeling the raw, suicidal pain resurface. I have my theory as to what caused it but I will spare that detail as something more important needs expressed.

The feelings of this pain is dark. So very, very dark that I'm not sure how to even describe it. Best I can come up with to my dissatisfaction: It's night time and overcast. No street lights, no headlights, not even a moon to be seen anywhere. It's pure, bleak, dismal, thick, dense, no sense of…

From what I read, there is no straight line through this hell and the only way out is thru. I don't know what "stage" of grief I'm in. It's become blurred after the height of the raw, suicidal, unbearable pain. Yea, I'm not crying every day. Yea, I'm not thinking as much about suicide. Yea, it doesn't feel like a nightmare I can't wake up from every second of existence. But I still don't believe this. I'm still unstable. I still can't believe he's really gone, physically, forever, and all…