Having a conversation with someone last week it seems no matter what, someone likely, maybe always, suffers in the physical from a death. You have on one extreme as mine, sudden and unexpected. We are the ones to suffer. You have those who are sick prior and by the time they pass, we are relieved they are no longer suffering as the quality of their life was no more. They are the ones to suffer. I don't know there is any scenario death causes no one physical suffering ...

I've had 3…

I continue to feel the need to clear my head and write what I am feeling ...

What my pain says: My life is over. I don't want to be here anymore. [With my situation] it is bullshit how I was regarded. Fucked up how things played out. I deserved better than that. I didn't get what so many others get in the physical and then I don't even get it in death. I deserved better than to have this happen in the first place. I don't know how to live without him. How to live with all our somedays…

March 10th was one year. What to say about it now ...

As for sleeping goes I am back to being tired all the time, sleeping a lot and struggling for energy, severe depression, etc.

There is still a huge frustration as to exactly what I'm feeling and/or feeling both extremes of a spectrum at the same time and in a way that has been atypical with the prior oxymorons of this hell. Such as numb right beside all the rest of the feelings. Numb hasn't been a big player for me so to cry…

The one year mark is coming up. I haven't been able to tell yet how I will take it. Before today I felt like it wasn't going to be a huge trigger. I have not stopped reliving that day so I thought it may just be like every other day of this miserable existence. But in the last days of February and now March officially hitting, I just don't know. I may go down the black hole of my already existing hell as I have with other triggers. My sleep at night has gotten bizarre. Jan and Feb was no…