I continue to wrestle and fight with is this concept of logic. I have been saying I can understand these things happen but tell that logic of "these things happen" to my heart as it can't understand. I see now I am fighting logic against logic. It is logical in this day and age to live out a life. It is logical to think that you meet someone who finally fits and you should be able to have the many years deserved, especially at mine and Gary's age. It's logical you should get sick, have some…

I really don't know where this road of hell is leading to. Yesterday was 11 months. I'm still in a funk from last Friday. I don't know that I'm getting any answers. My heart still doesn't understand why he had to go. I still don't understand how to fucking do this. I'm so damn tired of saying it and living this heartbreak. But my words don't change a damn thing. I feel like I'm in the broken nuthouse. I'm on the roller coaster that has stalled in hell. I don't want to do this anymore. This…

Yesterday I didn't shower. Didn't even bother getting out of my pajamas. Realizing Friday what day that was a year ago seemed to open the wound. I wasn't expecting that. Wasn't even thinking that would be a trigger. It made me remember how everything was finally coming into reach. Something I've wanted all my life. Something Gary and I had been fighting so hard for.

I saw a picture yesterday from what looked like handful of years ago of one of my exes and his wife on her FB page. She…