My sincere condolences Kim.  I feel your pain!  When someone we love dies, we naturally grieve.  I'm struggling...my man died 7months ago (August 2011.)

Disenfranchised grief is tough, but we only have one choice and that is to deal with it.  I find myself yelling out his name (in order to let off a bit of steam!) The relationship was clandestine, so I didn't vocalize his name, but now feel I need to!  Fortunately, I visited him in hospital a number of times over two and a half weeks, and managed to see him for the final time 16 hours before he died (without his family knowing, so there was no harm done.) In a perfect world I would've like to have been by his side all the time he was hospitalized, and right to when he breathed his last breath!  Kim, give yourself permission to grieve (however long it takes.) You can be your own best friend by getting in touch with your emotions.  I call it compassionate sadness or self-sympathy!  I wish I could physically knock on your front door and give you a big hug!  But I can hug you in spirit, can't I?  So, BE KIND TO YOURSELF!  NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT!!  

In 7 months I've experienced indescribable deep sadness, numbness, anger, and now depression.  I'm functioning, but there's little or no joy in my daily activities.  I suppose you could say my days are "foggy".

It is disenfranchising:  iced out, not included in the viewing of the body and funeral, no one to share memories.

I find photos (spanning nearly 3 decades) a source of comfort.  Of course the photos are of just the two of us - it's peculiar I know!  I'm sure, like me, you're carrying him in your heart, and of course it's a heavy heart!!  I'm here to help you!  Take care, Connie  xxxxxx