Tom, I am so so sorry that you have been left so bereft from the loss of your beloved wife Debbie.  I had been married 35 years when I lost my husband in Jan 2013 and I continue to feel the raw emotion of what this has done to me.  It has been over two and half years now and I can say it took at least two years before I could manage to even begin to understand the ramifications of the devastation the death of our beloved leaves in its wake.  When I look back at the first year and half I see a woman who was unable to process anything.  And I mean anything.  It took at least that long before I could do much more than cry.  And I mean cry, at everything.  A full year and half.  So when counselors or family, friends or anyone I read says by six months you are experiencing "complicated grief" I want to scream.  Six months are nothing.  At six months you are lucky you are still getting out of the fetal position on a bed.  

I believe there is nothing society knows about how debilitating loss is.  Without having it happen you can’t imagine it.  All of which is to say you are experiencing exactly what your brain must, in order to absorb what losing your love has done to you. It's crap. It's horrible. It's the worst thing any of us will ever go through bar none.  And only now have I started to understand the reality of what this loss is and I have realized that I will never be happy again.  I will always long for that which I cannot have and I will never be able to substitute or live for anything else.  I simply keep asking the universe to let me die.  It's no longer such a desperate plea as it was but more a conviction of hope I will go soon.  I sometimes wish the words were more encouraging but it is truth for me and I just wanted to let you know that your emotions are exactly where we all are.  It only helps because we know we don't walk this path alone.  So sorry.