I fell in love with Walter the first day I met him, when I was 11 years old. That was in 1959, when I moved next door to him. We married when I was 17, in 1965. He was, and still is, everything to me.

He passed away after a long illness (COPD) on September 16, 2009. I thought I was prepared, but now I realize there is no way to prepare for something so devasting.

It is almost a year now. I was doing better when I was still in shock. Reality has set in, and I don't know which way to turn.

I know that is not healthy for me to dwell on what can't be changed, but I also don't really want to move on with out him.

I try to focus on our family; 4 sons and 7 grandchildren. I know that I am blessed. They all live nearby and I see them often. Still, I feel alone. I hide the depth of my pain from them because I know they are hurting, too. I don't want them to worry about me.

Today was one of my difficult days, and I decided I should atleast try to reach our for support. For the past 11 months it has been my conscience choice to keep my thoughts private. I have been writing to Walter and that has helped.

I think that I am ready to live again, but not sure where to start. This is my first step.

Thanks for "listening".